This weekend was a long one because of Veterans Day and I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home. My husband has recently started two part-time jobs and has been out of the house for most of the weekend. That part wasn't so enjoyable, but I tried to use my time wisely. My husband is usually the caretaker of the home due to our working situations, but since he's suddenly become a bit busy, I decided to help out around the house. I have never enjoyed doing dishes or folding laundry more in my life! I thought, "Wouldn't it be grand if I could take care of things at home during the day so that we could all spend our evenings and weekends together without the stress of "I should be cleaning" on our shoulders?" I would love to be able to do that and have the flexibility to help out at my children's schools occasionally. I'm down to two that I can do that with and in a year and a half I'll be down to one. Ultimately, at least for the next few years or so (until my daughter is too cool for me), my dream job is to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to be there for my family and actually have the energy when I am home to enjoy them and show them how much they are loved. It seems that this is a fantasy that's unlikely to come true anytime before my children have all reached adulthood...and at that point, what's the use of me staying home?
So anyway, I was going along, enjoying my happy 3-day weekend when Veterans Day hit. The pictures of all of my friends and family in uniform made me happy and proud. I LOVE that I have been so blessed to know so many great people and to have actually worked alongside many of them. But the more I looked at the pictures the more the sadness seemed to creep in. I left the military to become a teacher and, a little less than a year and a half into my teaching career, I couldn't be more certain that I made the wrong choice. I HATE it. Don't get me wrong, I like the kids and seeing the gains they make, but I hate pretty much every other aspect of it. I have been regretting my decision to leave the Air Force for quite some time now and have even been contemplating joining again through another military branch. All of the happy military pictures-- Heck! Even the deployment ones!-- were just too much to bear. WHY DID I LEAVE THE MILITARY??? With the combined realization of what I had given up AND that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I found myself in tears trying (successfully) to hide it from my kids. I want my old life back. I LONG for it. If I could go back and redo everything I would punch myself in the face as soon as the idea to leave and teach came into my head. Even when things were tough in the military, I was never as completely and utterly miserable as I am now. In fact, my saddest times were when I had an infant at home that I wasn't able to stay home with. That's normal. Plus, I begged to get out then so I could actually spend time with the little girl I had prayed for for so long, but was told I needed to wait, we couldn't afford it, etc.. (Actually, I'd redo & fix that too.) But anyway, besides the fact that I missed some of the most important years of my daughter's life due to crappy shift-work, my life wasn't all that bad. I was recognized and appreciated for my hard work, had money to enjoy vacations and other recreational things with my family, worked with great people (mostly), and could generally leave my work at work when I went home.
My life today looks nothing like that. I could literally work 20 hours every day and even then I might not be getting everything accomplished. I work late hours on most days where I don't have something scheduled (Girl Scouts, events for my kids, etc.) and almost always bring work home with me. Sometimes I bring nothing home and come home at a decent time, but it's not for lack of work...it's in protest of having so much work so I choose to neglect it. You would think that on those days I'd do fun activities with the family or get some housework done, but no. Instead, I fall asleep for hours on end because I'm just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I cannot continue on like this. I miss my family. I'm missing my little girl's last few years of wanting to actually spend time with me. I miss actually enjoying things in life. I don't play video games anymore, I'm starting to dread Girl Scout meetings, and, even though I WANT to spend time with my kids, I can't seem to muster the energy or motivation to actually do so. I just want to be me, not this irritable, zombified shell of myself.
So this Veterans Day was a tough day for me. All of the underlying problems were already there, but the stroll down memory lane was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm hoping that things will start to look up from here. I've applied for several GS jobs. Maybe one of them will actually pan out. It won't be as good as me getting to stay home, but it would definitely be a vast improvement. It just has to be.
For anyone reading this (although I doubt there is anyone besides my husband since I've been so inactive lately), if you have any suggestions for me, please feel to leave them in the comments. At this point, any advice is good advice.
