A Tough Day

This weekend was a long one because of Veterans Day and I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home. My husband has recently started two part-time jobs and has been out of the house for most of the weekend. That part wasn't so enjoyable, but I tried to use my time wisely. My husband is usually the caretaker of the home due to our working situations, but since he's suddenly become a bit busy, I decided to help out around the house. I have never enjoyed doing dishes or folding laundry more in my life! I thought, "Wouldn't it be grand if I could take care of things at home during the day so that we could all spend our evenings and weekends together without the stress of "I should be cleaning" on our shoulders?" I would love to be able to do that and have the flexibility to help out at my children's schools occasionally. I'm down to two that I can do that with and in a year and a half I'll be down to one. Ultimately, at least for the next few years or so (until my daughter is too cool for me), my dream job is to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to be there for my family and actually have the energy when I am home to enjoy them and show them how much they are loved. It seems that this is a fantasy that's unlikely to come true anytime before my children have all reached adulthood...and at that point, what's the use of me staying home?

So anyway, I was going along, enjoying my happy 3-day weekend when Veterans Day hit. The pictures of all of my friends and family in uniform made me happy and proud. I LOVE that I have been so blessed to know so many great people and to have actually worked alongside many of them. But the more I looked at the pictures the more the sadness seemed to creep in. I left the military to become a teacher and, a little less than a year and a half into my teaching career, I couldn't be more certain that I made the wrong choice. I HATE it. Don't get me wrong, I like the kids and seeing the gains they make, but I hate pretty much every other aspect of it. I have been regretting my decision to leave the Air Force for quite some time now and have even been contemplating joining again through another military branch. All of the happy military pictures-- Heck! Even the deployment ones!-- were just too much to bear. WHY DID I LEAVE THE MILITARY??? With the combined realization of what I had given up AND that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I found myself in tears trying (successfully) to hide it from my kids. I want my old life back. I LONG for it. If I could go back and redo everything I would punch myself in the face as soon as the idea to leave and teach came into my head. Even when things were tough in the military, I was never as completely and utterly miserable as I am now. In fact, my saddest times were when I had an infant at home that I wasn't able to stay home with. That's normal. Plus, I begged to get out then so I could actually spend time with the little girl I had prayed for for so long, but was told I needed to wait, we couldn't afford it, etc.. (Actually, I'd redo & fix that too.) But anyway, besides the fact that I missed some of the most important years of my daughter's life due to crappy shift-work, my life wasn't all that bad. I was recognized and appreciated for my hard work, had money to enjoy vacations and other recreational things with my family, worked with great people (mostly), and could generally leave my work at work when I went home.

My life today looks nothing like that. I could literally work 20 hours every day and even then I might not be getting everything accomplished. I work late hours on most days where I don't have something scheduled (Girl Scouts, events for my kids, etc.) and almost always bring work home with me. Sometimes I bring nothing home and come home at a decent time, but it's not for lack of work...it's in protest of having so much work so I choose to neglect it. You would think that on those days I'd do fun activities with the family or get some housework done, but no. Instead, I fall asleep for hours on end because I'm just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I cannot continue on like this. I miss my family. I'm missing my little girl's last few years of wanting to actually spend time with me. I miss actually enjoying things in life. I don't play video games anymore, I'm starting to dread Girl Scout meetings, and, even though I WANT to spend time with my kids, I can't seem to muster the energy or motivation to actually do so. I just want to be me, not this irritable, zombified shell of myself.

So this Veterans Day was a tough day for me. All of the underlying problems were already there, but the stroll down memory lane was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm hoping that things will start to look up from here. I've applied for several GS jobs. Maybe one of them will actually pan out. It won't be as good as me getting to stay home, but it would definitely be a vast improvement. It just has to be.

For anyone reading this (although I doubt there is anyone besides my husband since I've been so inactive lately), if you have any suggestions for me, please feel to leave them in the comments. At this point, any advice is good advice.

Bipolar Bug is Back in Town

Sometimes I feel like I should just not come home. If they didn't have an alarm that came on automatically each night I could start sleeping at work rather than coming home. I mean, I spend enough hours there as it is; I don't really do a whole lot at home other than sleep here. The one thing that happens at home that I could avoid by staying at work is being completely irritated and angered by my eldest child. He is bipolar and can't always help his behavior, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

My son has actually been doing pretty well, until he graduated in May. At first it was just little things that were happening, like drinking all of a special (non-alcoholic) drink the same day it was purchased without letting anyone else have any. Lately though, it is getting worse. He wants to stay up all night long (literally, he goes to bed when his brother gets up to go to school) and then sleep while everyone is at school. When he is awake and people are home, he is belligerent, uses inappropriate language (wouldn't be such a big deal if we didn't have a 9-year-old girl living here also), gets involved in every argument in the house, and says cruel things like."It would be a lot better if you keeled over.". He doesn't do anything positive like help out around the house or even search for a job. I mean, he's applied to a job here or there, but he isn't really working to find one. One of the biggest reasons we are having these problems is because his messed up sleep schedule is making him manic.

What makes everything worse is that if I try to address anything, I'm the bad guy. My husband certainly won't say anything and he doesn't want me to say anything because he thinks it's easier that way. His policy is basically to just let our son do whatever now "because he's an adult". Plus, he doesn't like dealing with the backlash of telling a bipolar child to do anything he doesn't want to do. It really bothers me that my husband does not back me up, or worse, basically tells me to stop. We are supposed to be a team. I don't want to let our son act like a complete douche-bag just because it's easier than addressing the situation. That's not good parenting in my opinion. And if my son (and apparently my husband) want to fall back on the "18 and an adult" logic, then maybe my 18-year-old adult needs to find somewhere else to go be an adult. THIS adult is tired of not feeling welcome in her own home and the extra stress. I have enough stress in my life as it is. Or maybe I should become as equally difficult to deal with as my son and then maybe I'll get to be the one gets backed up for once.

What would you do if you had an adult child living with you who was verbally/emotionally abusive, but unable to support himself because of not having any income? Would a mental disorder be enough reason for you to put up with it regardless of how it was affecting the rest of the family or would enough be enough? Let me know below.

P.S. to My Husband

I know you'll read this babe and sorry if it upsets you, but...welcome to the club.

Quantity versus Quality

    Sorry it's been a while. I've been busy. Very busy. I'm in a new grade level this year and only in my second year of teaching in general; so I'm still figuring things out. Over Labor Day weekend, while my friends were posting on Facebook about their adventures at the beach,  theme parks, and other various outings, I went over district timelines and wrote lesson plans. In fact, out of the three days I really only got to do something fun on the final night. I played Mario Kart with my family for an hour before the kids had to head to bed. That's it. That's a pretty lame weekend if you ask me. I should be able to truly enjoy my weekend. So I got fed up, returned to a Facebook game (I quit playing them a couple of years ago), and stayed up 'till an ungodly hour playing rather than sleeping. Call it my rebellion against the system that steals my precious time with my family and that mythical me time, I guess. I decided an hour of fun wasn't good enough and stole from my sleep time to have a little more fun.

    I know you're dying to know what game I started playing again. "Is it a game I play? I really need another friend so I can level up, plus send me some items." Well, the odds are that you don't play this game (apparently ALL of my friends have quit playing it and moved on to the newest Zynga craze), but I'll tell you what it is anyway: Frontierville. Except now I think it's called Pioneer Trail, but you can play it under either name on Facebook. I don't know why, but I always liked playing that game. I never cared much for Farmville or some of the others, but Frontierville Pioneer Trail sucked me in big time. Now, I am super far behind and it's trying to give me about 50 missions at once. Those will be difficult to complete without any active friends, but I'm going to try it anyway. Look how busy my land is! It looked a lot busier yesterday, but I've cleared some stuff out.

    So, other than rebellion, why did I return to a life-sucking, time-consuming Zynga game? The short answer: it's easy, fast, and requires no thought. Personally, I'd much rather be playing a Nintendo game. My favorite games are any of the Legend of Zelda games, but I also really love Mario games (Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine), Harvest Moon games, and Endless Ocean. The problem with those games is that they have lengthy storylines and you need to be able to remember what goal you are working towards or where you are going between playing sessions. Unfortunately, I get to play so infrequently these days that I can't remember what the heck I was doing the last time I played and use up at least half of my time retracing steps and figuring out what I needed to do next. That's very time-consuming and frustrating so I've decided to abstain from playing those types of games for now. And that's why I'm playing a mindless, but fun game on Facebook instead. After all, I deserve to have at least a few minutes of fun everyday. This is definitely a case of quantity versus quality!

What do you do to have fun and relax on your days off? Do you choose (or get forced to choose) quantity versus quality?

Sunday Blues

Is it just me or does everyone get the blues on Sunday evening when the realization of work in the morning sets in? (If your work week starts on a different day than Monday, then apply this statement to the night of your final day off.) This happened to me in the military and it's happening again now that I'm a teacher. Everyone says that if you love your job you won't feel that way. Maybe that's my problem. I didn't love my specific job in the military, although I loved the military itself. And I'm pretty sure that I don't love teaching. I enjoy seeing the growth of my students and knowing that I can make a positive impact in their lives, but I think love is a strong word. In fact, sometimes I feel like the worst teacher in the world because I don't seem to feel as strongly about teaching as other teachers do. To me, it's a job. I do it because I have to provide for my family somehow; it's a perk that I get to make a difference.

Right now, I'm supposed to be working on lesson plans and prepping materials for center work this week, but I just don't want to. I want to be able to spend the entirety of my weekend enjoying time with my family. You know how some people get tired of being at home with their family after lengthy periods and can't wait to escape to work or for their children to return to school? I don't get that way. I thoroughly enjoyed winter break, spring break, and summer break (I know...luxuries afforded to me by the fact that I am a teacher). I wish I could spend every moment of my life simply exploring and enjoying the world with my family. That would be absolutely amazing.

Maybe one day I will have the opportunity to work from home or find that magical job I can classify as "my calling". Until then, I'll continue to mope on Sunday evenings. I guess I should go write my lesson plans while listening to this song:

**Please note that the name of the song is actually "Storms Never Last" not "STORM Never Last", but I couldn't find any other versions on YouTube (alright, I didn't feel like looking any harder...I'm supposed to be doing lesson plans, after all!) that weren't a duet with Jessi Colter.**

To Theme or Not to Theme?

So apparently you have to have a theme for your blog if you want it to do well. I don't really even care much about reaching a huge audience, but, of course, it would be awesome. However, I did want to have an ad or two along the side to see if I could generate any revenue. I knew it would be minimal, but I have been denied. Apparently, because my blog isn't really about anything, I don't qualify. **Boo, hiss!** Oh well, maybe one day I'll have a theme.

I just don't know how one person can write about one thing for so long. Doesn't it get boring or the pressure to come up with yet another post with a new spin overwhelming? I have lots of interests and random thoughts that I like to share. I could share about education, but the problem lies in that I just use everyone else's ideas that I find on the web. I'm not exactly innovative. I'd have to get a lot more sleep than I currently do to even pretend to be innovative. I'd love to write a blog that documents my travel adventures (this sounds like the most fun!!!), but I don't make enough money as a teacher to be able to travel. *sigh*  I could blog about parenting a bipolar child, but he's an adult now and with his current cocktail of medication he is pretty much your average 18-year old (except you're way cooler, Kiefer!). Of course, I'm super happy about not being able to to blog about that last one. I'd much rather have a happy, healthy kid!

So, while I try to think up a theme I could actually stick to, please feel free to continue to read (or not read) the unconnected blog posts of my daily life. :-)

P.S.
Theme ideas welcomed.

First Day of School

Today was my first day teaching second grade. So far I enjoy it much more than kindergarten. The kids came in, did what I asked them to do, and used all of the materials properly. Well...OK, some of them did hook some foam 10-frames together  to pretend they were guns, but they stopped as soon as I shook my head at them and said, "no". They also knew how to walk in the hallways and didn't fight once over the rocking chairs in the reading center. Last year I had to ban the usage of special chairs because the kindergartners fought over them constantly.

Meanwhile, my old kindergarten team across the hall was dealing with biting, throwing books and chairs, nearly wetting their pants because they were afraid to use the bathroom, and emotional breakdowns. And that was just the teachers. Haha! Just kidding! :-) I definitely don't miss those days.

The day wasn't perfect of course; I don't think any first day ever is. We have block/specials first thing in the morning this year and when it was time to leave the classroom I only had SIX students! I found a few more of them teary-eyed in a crowd in the hall because they didn't know who their teacher was or where to go. I think by the time that confusion was sorted out, I had picked up an additional five or six kids and lost about 15 minutes of my planning period. While I was trying to take care of all of the things I had planned to do during my planning period, one student at a time trickled into my classroom, which meant I had to walk each student individually to P.E. So much for getting anything accomplished! :-/

I also operated without a computer and smartboard for the entire day. We have a new tech guy this year and so far he hasn't managed to fix any of my (or my ex-kindergarten team's) problems. Today he tried to tell me that the reason I couldn't log into the temporary computer I was using was because I needed to change my password. Huh?! I just changed it last week. Plus, the computer message kept saying it wasn't connected to the network. Why do I have a temporary computer, you ask? My regular one got a trojan virus. Don't ask me how; I just logged in one morning last week, left it alone while I worked on my room, and came back to a message about the virus being isolated. But he told me it was still safe to use since it had been isolated; so I continued to use it.On Saturday when I went in to do some final classroom prep, I couldn't even get past the logging in phase before it would just shut down on me. Maybe it wasn't so safe to use after all. I'm kind of scared about how the rest of the year will go, technologically speaking.

Finally, there was some end of day confusion, with about half of my class not having a "how to go home" on file. It was sorted out with about 10 minutes to spare. Whew, that was close! During the confusion, another student showed up at my door. She had been in the wrong class all day long. I'm not sure how she managed that since I taught her sister last year for kindergarten. Surely she knew the other teacher didn't look like me. Maybe she just didn't know who she had been assigned to. Do every teacher and your child(ren) a favor and, whenever possible, make sure they know their new teacher's name before sending them off to their first day of school. Knowing their own name is also very helpful. Yes, there were kids today who didn't know their names. Thankfully they weren't in my class.

But other than the little hiccups of the first day of school, I think it all went very well. I better have a working computer tomorrow though or there's going to be a tech guy going down.

My Classroom

This is only my second year teaching, but it's my third grade level and my second school. Last year I started off the year teaching third grade, but the school was very, very far from my house and the kids were tough for me to handle; so after the first quarter I switched to a school much closer to home and taught kindergarten. I was all set to continue teaching kindergarten this year, but I got a call three days before pre-planning week informing me that I was being moved to second grade due to not enough kindergartners being enrolled.

I'm actually pretty happy about the move. I mean, I LOVED my kindergarten team; they were amazing & we were all so close and I loved aspects of teaching kindergarten (e.g. seeing the kids read for the first time and knowing that I helped make that happen), but some of the concepts were so simple that I struggled with finding more than one way to teach them. I also had a really horrible classroom. They call it a hearth room because it's at the center of four other classrooms. I had a water fountain and five bathrooms along my back wall (one for me, plus one for each of the other classes) that was hidden from my view by a semi-wall. Kids from other classes and occasionally my own would go behind there and goof off which was very disruptive. I also had SIX doors (technically ten if you count the fact that four of them were actually double doors) which left me little wall space to put furniture against or hang things on and left me without corners for storage; so even though my room was very large it was primarily unusable space. I also had no cubbies or real storage. I did have lots of traffic though since everyone thought my room was a great shortcut to all of those other rooms attached to me. So, one of the perks of being moved to a new grade level is that I got moved to a new room. Hooray!

My new room is just across the hall from my old kindergarten team which is fantastic because I can still see them every time I open my door. I am also super excited about the things my room has AND the things it doesn't. I now have built-in cabinets, cubbies, a single bathroom (just for my class!), and a view of the weather outside (my neighboring teacher has windows to the outside and I can see them through my window that looks into her room -- trust me, it's a step up!). It also doesn't have six doors; it has two. I suddenly have tons of storage and wall space and my room won't be a major thoroughfare. I already feel at home in it. Here are some pictures of what it looks like as I'm starting out the year:

This is my door. My awesome husband made me the signs.

(I covered my name for this picture.)

  Look at all of that wonderful storage space at the back of my room!

 I also have storage above & below my sink, but I forgot to get a picture of that area.

 This is my current desk configuration. It's subject to change. 

The door in the background is one of the two in my room and it leads to a computer lab.

The view from the back corner of my room. You can see my 

peek-a-boo window into the neighboring classroom on the left. 

 This is the area I'm most excited about: my reading area!

(That's my daughter in the little rocking chair.)

 I really wanted a tree in my reading area; so my husband made this awesome one!

The trunk is made of scrunched up butcher paper, the branches 

are thin pool noodles covered in butcher paper, and the leaves are tissue paper.

He also used the die-cut/Ellison machine to cut out construction paper

apples, worms, and a lizard. I think it's so cute!!!

So, this is my first attempt at blogging...well, kind of. I had a website back in the days of Geocities that was similar to what a blog is today; we just didn't have the term "blog" back then. :-) I'll fumble along until I figure it out, but if anyone out there is reading, I hope you'll enjoy it. If not, well...there's millions of other blogs to go check out (but please stay!).

I'm not sure what exactly I'll be posting about, but most likely it will vary with my mood and interests. I know I'll be doing some posts about teaching (I'm posting my classroom pictures tomorrow!), life in general, maybe some writing, Japan, and my desire to live overseas.

Here's a quick intro (stuff other than what's already in my intro blurb) before I head to bed (because it took me a ridiculously long time to upload a picture as my background & in the end I still wasn't successful in making it a single image versus a repeating image *grrr*): I married my high school sweetheart, David, over 17 years ago and we have three children together. Two boys (Kiefer -18 & Brody - 16) and a girl (Ramey - 9). I call my page Misawa Mandi because I claim Misawa, Japan (三沢、日本）as my home even though I was only there for a couple of years. Misawa holds a special place in my heart because I met my husband there, we both graduated from high school there (but he was a year ahead of me), and our eldest child was born there. I love my family, God, Japan (and pretty much everything Japanese), Disney, Nintendo (especially Zelda games!), and Christmas. Not necessarily in that order. :-)